![]() “, we agreed that we’d each do things differently, and we were each getting a clean slate. He trusts that I love him and that I won’t cheat again.” -Leah, 31, Chicago, IL “We agreed not to go through each other’s phones, as you find trouble when you’re looking for it, but as it’s been 2.5 years and no other incidents have happened since. How do you maintain trust after an affair? ![]() I was selfish and took immediate validation when it was available to me, so I should be as selfless as possible to provide them with as much validation as they needed for as long as I could.” -Bea, 32, Detroit, MI I felt they had the right to all of them. They asked a ton of questions and had a ton of emotions. I was honest about everything and I think they appreciated that they didn't have to search for the truth. “I knew I didn't because I wanted out of the relationship or because I wanted the other person-even at that age I knew it was about how much I didn't love myself, and how much validation I needed. We should have had a much longer conversation about what made her want to cheat, why she decided to do that in the first place, and what could be done in the future to prevent it from happening again.” -Mike, 33, Dallas, TX Looking back, I think that was a mistake. We sort of talked, I took her back, and we started going out again. “I loved her, so I knew I wanted her back, but we had to talk about everything that would happen. (Although, of course, this is a hard metric to measure-how long after an affair does a couple need to stay together to claim “success”?) Some statistics put that number much higher, especially when it comes to married folks clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona, Psy.D., told SELF that, “Despite the ambiguous statistics, it seems reasonable to speculate that more couples are staying together after infidelity than not.” One study found that only about 16 percent of couples who’d experienced unfaithfulness were able to work it out. In practice, it tends to be uncommon for a relationship to survive instances of cheating. Assumptions like these ignore the complicated web of considerations that go into deciding what to do after infidelity is revealed.Įsther Perel, noted relationship therapist, wrote a book called State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, encouraging people to try to understand how and why affairs happen, but also how a relationship might get better-with lots of work-after infidelity. There’s also a common belief that “once a cheater, always a cheater”-that it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. People often are judged for not standing up for themselves, not having boundaries, or for “letting” themselves be treated disrespectfully. Unfortunately, even in a post- Lemonade world, there is a lot of stigma around staying. ![]() Very few suggest trying to work it out, having hard conversations, and practicing the painful art of forgiveness. Most recommend some combination of tequila, several one-night stands, and property destruction. Next to instructions on how to move your ass and young love, one of the most popular topics for hit songs is what to do when someone cheats on you. ![]()
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